I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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