I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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