I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
