i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
