i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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