I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
