apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
