so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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