My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
