Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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