a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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