I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
