plz talk dirty to me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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