You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
