guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
