I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
