Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He uses pillows to masturbate.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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