Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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