dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
