i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
