I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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