franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
