I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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