woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
