its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
