i would punch a child for taco bell
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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