$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize