They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
