My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
