I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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