the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize