The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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