Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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