I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
