I can feel you judging me through the phone.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
