He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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