I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just cut my nipple shaving
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
