tell your sister to shave her snatch
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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