I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You ate ashes out of my bong
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
