if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
