You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize