textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
