I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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