ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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