You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
