just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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