i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
