alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
