she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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