i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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