I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
