i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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