you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
