you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
