I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
