Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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