I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
