Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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