So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My bed smells like the plague
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
