walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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