my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
