I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
