The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
