Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
