i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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