I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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