It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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