i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
