Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
