Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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