Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
